What is a Narcissist?

A narcissist is someone who significantly focused on themselves; they place a greater preference for their own needs, wants, and images over others. Being self-confident does not automatically make someone a narcissist. So what is a narcissist, really?

The term narcissist stems from narcissism, which began in the Greek myth of Narcissus who fell in love with his reflection. Psychologically narcissism lies on a spectrum. Narcissism becomes egregious and begins to affect people’s lives and impact their relationships; it is then that it might be called Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).

In common parlance, people use the term “narcissist” as a label for people who are selfish, arrogant, or self-centered. True narcissism is much more than being these types of people. Narcissism is a pattern of behavior; narcissism is pervasive and can affect every relationship people have: work, romantic, and familial.

What is Narcissistic Personality Disorder?

Narcissistic Personality Disorder is recognized as a mental health condition in the DSM-5 (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders). According to the DSM-5, people with NPD have a pattern of grandiosity, persistent need for admiration, and a lack of empathy for others. These symptoms can be severe and persistent.

For many people who have narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), maintaining long-term relationships can be challenging. At first, you may not realize you are dealing with a narcissist because so much of NPD is cloaked in charm and charisma. After spending more time with a narcissistic person, however, it becomes apparent that they lack perspective outside of their own needs, and their willingness to manipulate others and/or disregard the feelings of others is apparent.

What Are The Traits of a Narcissist?

You may be asking yourself, “What are narcissistic traits?” Here are some common traits:

• Grandiosity – An exaggerated sense of self-importance
• Entitlement – The belief they are entitled to special treatment
• Manipulative Behavior – Using others for their own gain
• Lack of Empathy – A disconnection with the feelings of others, such that they are not even aware of having feelings
• Arrogance – Acting superior to and/or condescending towards others
• Envy – Believing others are envious of them, or feeling envious of others
• Excessive Need for Praise – The craving for praise, admiration, or validation

Narcissists may also display hypersensitivity to criticism, even if it is constructive. They usually externalize blame when something goes wrong, and may also exploit personal relationships in the service of their self-image. All of these traits can make healthy communication and conflict resolution incredibly difficult.

What is a Covert vs Overt Narcissist?

Not all narcissists are loud and obvious. There are two main types:

1. Overt (grandiose) narcissists are bold, confident, seek attention from others.
2. Covert (vulnerable) narcissists are quiet, passive-aggressive, and sensitive to criticism while being self-centered.

Overt narcissists are easy to spot because they monopolize conversations, can not shut up about how great they are, and they often are overtly egotistical.

Covert narcissists can seem quiet or shy or even seem like they are introverted. They are still entitled and lack empathy. Covert narcissists will use kamikaze methods to express their entitlement such as, guilt-tripping, igniting emotional ‘fires’, or through passive-aggressive tactics.

Understanding the type of narcissist, you are dealing with is important for your approach and establishing healthy boundaries. Covert narcissists can be less noticeable than overt narcissists but can be just as emotionally damaging.

What Creates Narcissism?

One of the questions we often hear is, “What causes a narcissist or when is narcissism genetic?”. The answer is complicated and may include:

• Childhood experiences, especially excessive praise or Complete neglect
• Socialization and parenting (having a narcissistic parent).
• Biology: genetics and/or brain functionality.
• Cultural influence such as social status, and possession over empathy, morality, and substance.

When children are indulged without accountability, there is a learned sense of superiority. And when children are neglected, emotionally abused, or had parents whom emotionally neglected or abused them, they become narcissistic in defense of their low self-worth.

Moreover, the heightened emphasis in society on image, social media persona, and material gain may be influencing the cultural growth of narcissistic traits, even in individuals who do not meet criteria for NPD.

Am I a Narcissist? How Can I Tell?

If you’ve ever Googled or asked yourself, “Am I a narcissist?” or taken an “Am I a narcissist quiz?” you are not alone. Some self-centered behaviors are normal, particularly in a culture that prioritizes self-promotion. But think:

• Do I manipulate others for my own ends?
• Am I unable to feel empathy?
• Do I feel superior to others?
• Do I feel angry when criticized?

A little bit of self-interest does not make you a narcissist. However, if you see these qualities as persistent patterns that damage your relationships, it may be worth consulting a mental health professional. Also, reflective self-awareness is usually a good sign that you are probably not truly narcissistic.

It is also crucial to distinguish narcissism from healthy self-regard. Confidence is not narcissism. Confidence is based in humility and reality; narcissism is often a cover for deep insecurity.

Can a Narcissist Change?

This is one of the most commonly searched and emotionally charged question. And the answer is Yes, but they can be hard to change. Very narcissistic individuals and people with NPD can change, but it involves a level of self-awareness, motivation, and usually long-term therapy that is unlikely for the majority. If they have serious consequences (broken relationships, career consequences) for their negative Narcissistic attitudes and behaviors, like losing their job, the chances of change are higher.

The difficulty is, most narcissists do not have insight into their own attitude and behavior to understand they are a problem. Many narcissists will openly deny they have a problem. The people who do want to change have to undergo unlearning deeply-seeded behaviors (which takes years) and learn new behaviors such as empathy, humility and emotional regulation. The narcissist must rely on and be willing to listen to their family for support and professional support. Therapists can help the narcissist identify narcissistic attitudes and behaviors, underlying root causes of narcissism and change those deep-rooted attitudes and behaviors.

How to Deal With a Narcissist

If you are searching the internet for “How to deal with a narcissist” or “How to deal with a narcissistic parent/husband,” you are not alone. It can greatly help you to consider what systematic strategies you can employ:

1. Set boundaries

Be very clear about your boundaries above anything else. Set firm boundaries for what you will and won’t tolerate, and hold fast to those boundaries, even if they react poorly. Narcissists will incessantly push every limit to see what they can get away with. Of one thing you can be certain with narcissists, hard, unwavering boundaries allow you to protect your mental and emotional space.

2. Do not argue with a narcissist or defend yourself.

Most narcissistic individuals will take their “fact” and twist it to not only win, but to confuse you. It is easy to not lose your cool and not to try to win. By the time you are arguing with them, you have already lost, as arguing with a narcissist is futile…..and usually it will lead to an erupted argument.

3. Utilize the “Gray Rock” Method

The “Gray Rock” method involves being boring and emotionally flat so as to diminish the narcissist’s ability to control you. Using this method also takes away their need for attention or reaction.

4. Find Support

No matter if it’s just friends, support groups or therapy—having an outlet matters. Having a friend or peer that may be able to provide validation and perspective will allow you to re-establish your sense of reality.

5. Know When to Walk Away

Asking the question, can I leave? Sometimes the best choice is to leave the relationship. Narcissistic abuse can leave deep psychological scars. Leaving is not failure; it is choosing self-value.

What Is Narcissistic Abuse?

Narcissistic abuse is the emotional manipulation, gaslighting, and trauma inflicted by the narcissist. It can lead to:

• Anxiety
• Depression
• PTSD type symptoms
• Trust issues

Narcissistic abuse can often grow slowly over time, causing victims to not realize what’s happening. Narcissists will often isolate you from other people to lessen your support, erode your confidence, and cause you to no longer trust yourself (i.e., gas-lighting).

Recovery means re-establishing boundaries, restoring a sense of self-value, and in some cases, ceasing to communicate with the abuser. It is recommended to seek a trauma and/or narcissistic abuse trained professional for therapy.

What Is the Narcissistic Parent Like?

A narcissistic parent will:

• Make everything about them
• Guilt-trip their own children
• Refuse to accept criticism
• Use love as a tool of control

Children raised by narcissists may grow up with low self-worth, persistent guilt, and identity confusion. The narcissistic parent often expects perfection, demands admiration, or plays favorites as a form of control.

Narcissistic children can heal, but it takes time. Adult children of narcissist parents often benefit from therapy that emphasizes re-parenting and learning to self-validate.

Are Narcissists Insecure?

Yes, while they present with grandiosity, many narcissists have deep-seated insecurities. Their inflated ego is an often fragile mask; they require constant validation to maintain their sense of worth.

Though they may seem confident, they experience inadequacy, worry about rejection, and need to outrun the threat that comes from validating their existence. Narcissists typically overcompensate for insecurities by engaging in controlling and regretful behavior, growing more arrogant, critical and narcissistic through wrongful self-promoting motives.

Do Narcissists Know They’re Narcissists?

Some do. But many are incapable introspectively, they may know something is wrong in their relationships, but they are more apt to place the blame external rather than reflecting on themselves as the cause. They almost never say “I need to change” or “I have a problem”

However, covert narcissists may be aware of their issues but unwilling to change. A narcissist that is willing to look at their inner world through therapy has a greater capacity for growth and self-reflection.

Can Narcissists Love?

They can experience attachment or dependence, but there is often a lack of empathy and depth in their love. Relationships with narcissists tend to be transactional, not nourishing emotionally.

Love for a narcissist is frequently contingent upon how well the other person fulfills their needs or serves to enhance the narcissist’s image. This presents nasty hurdles to having stable healthy relationships over the long haul unless the narcissist actively works on changing their relational patterns.

How Do I Stop Being A Narcissist?

If you are asking yourself, “How do I stop being a narcissist?”, it starts with:

• Self-Reflection in Self-Honesty
• Acknowledgment of the Harm Done
• Therapy, Regularly
• Empathy Skill Development
• Humility Skill Development

Becoming less narcissistic is a process in developing a more intimate sense of empathy, being able to take flaws, and recognizing vulnerability is not weakness. Mindfulness, daily acts of kindness, and intentional kindness can help focus on other people rather than the self.

Narcissism in Pop Culture: Why the Obsession?

Understatement from narcissistic TV characters to narcissistic personalities in the political world or entertainment, the term “narcissist” is commonly thrown around carelessly. While it helps to recognize toxic traits, we do dilute meaning with constant use. Few selfish people have NPD.

Pop culture has glamorized traits that overlap narcissism, typically confidence, ambition, self-promotion, etc. This clouds our decision-making, clearly identifying narcissism. Awareness and education are paramount to grasping the difference.

Conclusion: When You Are Finally Able to See the Narcissist as Who They Are

Coming to terms with a narcissist’s identity—parent, partner, friend, or yourself—can be difficult. But it gives you the opportunity to have clarity and the chance to set healthier patterns, boundaries, and relationships to positively change.

Identifying narcissism is the first step. Healing, setting boundaries, and committing to self-awareness is the next step. If you are dealing with a narcissist, or if you see those traits in yourself, understand that you are not alone; and that it is possible to grow, heal, and change.

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