Have you ever picked fights for no reason, unsure about your partner’s love even when they show it and questioning whether you should leave someone who treats you perfectly? You could be self-sabotaging your relationship. It can happen more often than people realize, and it can be even more damaging than people expect.

Before you put the blame on yourself, let’s discuss what self-sabotaging is, why we do it, and how to put a stop to it.

What Is Self-Sabotaging in Relationships?

When you self-sabotage a relationship, you do things that—consciously or subconsciously—hurt the connection with your partner. It is allowing your thoughts and actions, often motivated by fear, insecurity, or unresolved trauma, to work against your relationship goals.

Self-sabotaging behaviors might include:

• Continuously questioning your partner’s loyalty
• Withholding intimacy or vulnerability
• Picking unnecessary fights or arguments
• Withdrawing from emotional or physical intimacy
• Cheating, crossing boundaries
• Pushing people away when things get “too good”

What Does Self-Sabotaging Mean?

At the most basic level, self-sabotage is when your internal fears and limiting beliefs hinder your success and happiness. In terms of a relationship, it can be exhibited in defensive behavior, mistrust, emotional unavailability, or perfectionism, anything that protects you from getting hurt, but inhibits healthy connection.

Why Do People Self-Sabotage?

• Fear of Vulnerability – To love is to be big, and with that risk comes the possibility of being rejected or disappointed. Many people feel that it is safer to kill the potential relationship first rather than to wait to see it die later.
• Low Self-Worth – If you do not believe that you deserve love or happiness at its deepest core, you may subconsciously act in ways that reinforce that belief.
• Perceived Trauma – It can be the tiniest things that register with you such as past experience of neglect, abandonment, or toxic relationships that wire you to believe that you should expect dysfunction, closeness, or instability in even a healthy relationship.
• Attachment Style – People with avoidant or anxious attachment styles tend to have patterns of pushing away or clinging tightly. Both of these response styles can block intimacy.
• Fear of Losing Independence – There are people who fear that closeness means losing themselves or being “trapped.” They, then, act in a way of creating distance.

What Does Self-Sabotaging A Relationship Look Like?

Here are some signs:

• Over-analyzing each and every text, tone, or behavior in regards to lack of interest
• “Testing” your partner by looking for them to leave
• Avoiding resolving conflict due to fear of confrontation
• Constantly comparing to the past failures of the relationship
• Not sharing your needs as you assume they won’t be met
• Ending things preemptively because “it is going to get worse”

You may have asked yourself, “Am I self-sabotaging”, these patterns might offer clarity.

How to Stop Self-sabotaging Your Relationships?

• Increase Your Self-Awareness – Pay attention to what thoughts or behaviors are coming from a place of fear rather than a fact. Journalling, therapy, or just talking openly with your partner will all build self-awareness – you will be less likely to eat away at your relationship with fear.
• Challenge Negative Thoughts – Do you believe you are unlovable? Or that people always leave you? Notice these limiting beliefs and call them out. Limiting thoughts are not reality; they are a result of a past hurt.
• Communicate Truthfully – When you admit your poverty, fears, etc. it does not make you weak. It builds trust in your partner. A helpful partner, will help you sift through your negative thoughts and self-doubt.
• Show More Self-compassion – Instead of berating yourself, practice compassion and notice the feelings behind your actions. You are trying to protect yourself, what can be safer, better options?
• Be Aware of Setting Healthy Boundaries (with Yourself) – Recognize when you may go back into a past pattern. Take a moment before you respond. Ask yourself: “Am I responding to this moment, or am I acting from a past experience?”.

How to Deal with a Self-Sabotaging Partner?

If your partner is the self-saboteur in the relationship:

1. Communicate softly and without blame
2. Encourage them to see a therapist
3. Establish boundaries to protect yourself
4. Know when to walk away if they don’t want to change

FAQs

Is Overthinking Self-sabotaging?

Yes. Overthinking can lead you to create fake problems, misread motives and intentions, and generate doubts that can lead to a cycle of reacting to things instead of responding; making smaller problems bigger than they are.

Can Depression Be Self-sabotaging?

Yes. When you are feeling depressed, this can lessen your self-esteem and self-worth. With lowered self-worth, you can shut down, move to worst case scenarios and believe you do not deserve love and connection, all of which can lead to self-sabotaging tendencies.

Why I Keep Self-Sabotaging My Relationships?

Because change takes time. These patterns of sabotage often take years to develop. Every step forward in the healing process—every instant of awareness—counts. You are not broken; you are learning how to love in a way you may have not been shown before.

Conclusion

Self-sabotaging in relationships is not an indication that you are unlovable, or broken—it is an indication that you have been hurt and are trying to protect yourself. The great news? You can change these patterns. With awareness, support, and intention you can stop pushing love away—and start letting it in.

Read about: Is Generational Trauma Real? Science, Psychology, and Healing Explained